When helping people becomes avoidance

This week I learned something uncomfortable about myself, and it changed the way I think about helping other people. Growing up, I noticed something about the adults around me: no one talked about their problems. Feelings stayed buried, issues stayed quiet, and people carried things alone. I told myself I wouldn’t be like that. I wanted to be the person people could come to when something was wrong. I wanted to be the safe space. The person someone could call, vent to, or ask for advice when life got heavy. Most of the time I couldn’t fix the problem. But I could listen. I could help someone think through it. Sometimes that was enough. Recently though, I realized something important. Not everyone wants to process things out loud. For a long time that confused me. If someone close to me was struggling but didn’t talk about it, my mind would immediately go, “Do they not trust me?” But the truth is simpler than that. People process pain differently. Some people talk through it immediately. Others need space. Silence isn’t always distance; it’s sometimes it’s just how someone works through things. A friend sent me a clip from a podcast this week that stuck with me. The host talked about how constantly talking about problems can sometimes make them grow. It wasn’t because the problems weren’t real, but because rumination multiplies negativity. That idea sat with me for days. Then something else hit me unexpectedly.

I was watching a TV show, Shameless of all things, and a character was falling apart while trying to hold everyone else together. Someone finally sat her down and said, “You try to solve everyone else’s problems so you can avoid confronting your own.” That line stopped me. Helping people is good. Being someone others can trust is good, but there’s a difference between helping people and hiding inside helping people. If you exhaust yourself trying to carry everyone else’s problems, eventually you start neglecting your own mental and physical health. And that helps no one.

The other lesson I’ve learned this week is about patience. Some people will run to you immediately when life gets hard. Others will need time before they’re ready to talk about it. Man, I struggle with that second group. My instinct is to fix things now. Find the root of the problem. Work through it. Solve it. But sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is give them space to process life in their own way. Trying to force help on someone who isn’t ready for it can damage a relationship faster than silence ever will. Sometimes helping means listening. Sometimes helping means stepping back. And sometimes helping means making sure you’re taking care of yourself too.